HONG KONG–hi x,
well, i’m at one of those infamously seldom very-fucking-low points again, but they certainly are starting to become more frequent. i’ve just spent a good 20 minutes on the hong kong patio of a friend bawling alone, having just come off the phone with another grrrl i fell for who had to go away. for the first week – last week – it was just something i put to the back of my mind, for the last 3 days however i’ve been in agony. i am SOOOOO at the point you reached with your funny tummy – the fuckit zone, lets get back to reality time – following a complete realization that i will never have the person i want being a bloody wanderer, or even a stable one in hk or tpe. people leave this shit for a good reason, and i’m now suffering the second episode of someone i love just having enough of it before i have the good sense to. i just called y, who was minutes away from heading off to her first day of a new college year. i was a blubbering, uncontrolled mess, she was sparkling, but concerned, at the other end looking forward to new chapters and less grief of her life. me, i’m just laying one long fucking highway of hassle and frustration. who am i to kid that i wouldn’t fall for someone eventually ejecting from this environment after i’d previously sworn off such closeness on a northern beach on ko phan gan. but you know that bit. z was here in hk last week too, seeing her bro’s first baby. she’s snuggling up in a small town near verona, italy, and popping off to morocco and greek islands for the weekend with her man who she says is not much of a looker, but he looks after her. so cute! thankfully she wasn’t here as my walls have dropped or i’d be one painful critter to hang with. should i just rest on my laurels and hurry up and get on with it back in the west? what the fuck am i chasing here? is it insight into asia? i’m never going to have that! it takes a lifetime to attain what i’m not sure i want. maybe it’s just that shit-eating attention-seeking need i have to be different or some other adolescent bollocks left over from rtr. i’m not sure anymore that i will ‘grow up’ in asia, i’ll just be another maladjusted expat running from the palatable dinner conversation set to crave some fumbling command in chinese for a basic human desire – food, conversation with ANYONE, or whatever. i’m tired x, i want my own bed. i want to know that if i fall again for someone, they’re not going to fuck off or i’m not going to be such a twat as to not see the writing on the wall and run panting after them, because they are probably going to the better place afterall. washington dc? where y is. i don’t think i’m quite that fond of america, or melbourne for that matter :P but where exactly? next time i’m going to think about getting out of here when my partner says jump.
this isn’t the letter i wanted to write, and i’m not going to read back over it. just wanted to pour what is left of my heart out to the other greatest girl in my life. i blame all this on julie andrews and that fucking chistopher plumber from the sound of music that i watched sunday and which put me over the edge. he married a nun. that’s the right thing to do.
love and miss u,
a.
